Down on the Upside
I've been stuck not knowing how to describe how I've been feeling as of late, so I thought I would steal the title of Soundgarden's final studio album as my closest approximation. Besides the fact that I enjoy much of Soundgarden's musical repertoire, "down on the upside" is where I hope I've come to in this current phase of my life.My apologies if this sounds depressing or out of character to some. All of us go through waves of good times and bad. I just happen to be a little more of a music geek, making it quite second nature for me to interject various song titles and/or lyrics as descriptions of my state-of-being.
So, for the very few of you that actually read my blog (hooray for Kristen and Jenny!), here's what I mean by down on the upside. I'm hoping that I've finally reached the bottom of my most recent frustrations with myself and life, and that I'm now looking upside the next climb in front of me. It's better to be at the bottom of the hill and looking up than still near the halfway point of a painful fall.
My apologies for that slightly melodramatic explanation.
In all seriousness, I'm frustrated by my own hypocrisy right now. Being your own worst enemy becomes very tiresome and laborious. I look back at my first few posts—filled mostly with insight, hope and purpose—and shudder to think that I'm so not that person right now. I tend to be skilled at summarizing truths within a fairly interesting point of view, but I'm terrible at putting my money where my mouth is. I really hate being a "do as I say, not as I do," kind of guy.
I sincerely appreciate the words of advice and encouragement that I've received from several of you about my post Stuck in Limbo, and Not Alone. Kudos to Jenny for winning the home-cooked, gourmet meal made by me award. Too bad you live in Cedar City. :) But I think that I'm going to reach out to you faithful few readers again and beg your thoughts on how you brush yourselves off after a painful fall. I won't promise another meal, though. My food budget is already shot after trying to feed my monster-of-a-15-month-old son.
Please - I'm tired of being a hypocrite.
2 comments:
I'll take a stab at this one again because as I read your blog post I was listening to good church music. I just created a station on Pandora from Kenneth Cope and Hilary Weeks. I know some don't like that sort of stuff... but it brings the spirit and that is what we need when we are down.
Sit down with some good music. I find that looking at the words while I listen also helps me feel the spirit even more. And when I have the spirit, I am ready to go and climb that hill. Now repeat every day! :)
Seriously, I hope you get out of this. I can't tell you how familiar your blog posts are to me. I too have felt, and often feel what you describe. Unlike you, I just tend to not write...
Hang in there brother! :)
Jeff, I knew we were meant to be friends! I gotta tell you though, it's not near as much fun commiserating over blogs as it is in person... :)
I appreciate the words of encouragement and advice. Let me see if I can complicate this issue a little more for you:
I've tried to be sensitive to and identify the impressions and guidance of the Holy Ghost throughout my life. As of a couple of years ago, I had grown to be fairly confident of when and how I was being influenced by the Spirit.
Over the past couple of years, however, I've had some very blunt and frustrating experiences that have left me severely second guessing myself. In a nutshell, impressions and feelings that I would typically identify as being "inspired" ended up being completely the opposite. On many more than one occasion, my beliefs about how the Spirit guides me through my feelings actually led me to making decisions that have caused fair amounts of grief and strife to myself and others. On top of that, I've had some painful learning experiences pointed out to me that show how my previous beliefs about the Spirit have led me to holding erroneous views of myself and others, which views have in turn led to other problems and frustrations.
As these "revelations" have unfolded, I've had to reflect back throughout my life to try and identify just how often these feelings and beliefs have been held in error. The result for me now is an almost complete lack of trust in my feelings. I have tried to maintain some semblance of faith in my feelings, but the more I see my present in light of my past beliefs the more I recognize my errors and shy away therefrom.
I have not lost faith in the Spirit or the Church, but I'm very confused and frustrated as to how I'm going to be able to establish a more sure way of identifying the Spirit in my life. I've had more luck with my thought processes, basic logic and reasoning as of late, and so my personal interactions tend to lean more to that sterile and sometimes tactless way of being.
How that relates to the Kenneth Cope and Hillary Weeks comment (good Church music), since I'm not so keen on trusting my feelings in the context of what I now know, I have a hard time getting anything of deeper substance out of such music. Honestly, the MoTab Choir is about the best thing out there, besides most classical piano music, to put me at ease. I tend to find most popular Church music cheesy and poorly written, and I have a hard time getting past the junk to find the rare nuggets of quality.
Anyway, this wasn't meant to be a rant on Church pop music. Suffice it to say that I'm floundering in a mess of issues, but I have hope for the future. There are just a lot of hills to climb, and I'm sitting on the ground having lost my compass.
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