Stuck in Limbo, and Not Alone
Making a life decision is never something to take lightly. Who you marry, what you study in school, what your profession becomes, how many children you have and many other major life events are usually things you would think that most everyone would take very seriously.I can hear all your collective thoughts right now saying, "Thanks captain obvious. You get a gold star…"
Why state the obvious? Because I'm stuck in it, and because I have no idea how to get out.
To my credit, I picked one awesome bride and have two of the cutest children known to mankind. Thanks to them I might actually end up in my parent's will.
On the down side, I wasn't so great at picking a direction of study and/or career path. No offense to my current employer and profession—I thoroughly enjoy what I do, just not the fact that it wasn't something I would have ever consciously chosen for myself 10, or even 5 years ago. And, there is a difference between enjoying something and really wanting to be doing it as a profession. In that same vein, Psychology was great to study, and it probably helped me establish the fact that I am indeed certifiably crazy and hopeless. I could have saved myself a lot of time and money if I would have just listened to my wife on that one 8 years ago.
So, what I'm really trying to get at is that now that I'm 29 (gasp! I know, I should shut up already) and have some critical life experience behind me, I realize now that I'm lacking some of the major essentials of what I used to be like as an ambitious and pretentious kid. It's no shocker that we all grow up and turn out to be mere shadows of our youthful selves, for which I'm generally very thankful. But when it comes to having a passion for life and motivation to live it to the fullest, I'm definitely envious of my former self.
Mind you, I'm neither depressed by nor naive about where I'm at in life currently. I've really never been more at peace with my family, my marriage and my children.
What I am lacking is that extra something that gets me out of bed in the mornings. I'm missing the fire I used to have for the future, the yearning for more. Some things, like exercise, I did out of vanity and selfishness. Other things, like reading the scriptures daily, I did because I was either trying to impress my parents and teachers, or really thirsting for knowledge and answers as a missionary, or really digging into a lesson I needed to prepare for my calling.
My realization is this: I have done very little throughout my life that I'm truly proud of just because it was the right thing to do and I really wanted to do it. That motivation has come later in some of these things, but rarely beforehand.
The other fight I have with myself is because of the ease by which most things have come to me (I know, cry me a river…). School was simple. I never had a hard time getting a date. I rarely have to work harder than I want to at my job, or at most anything else within my stewardship. Life just comes easy, and yet I want more.
I know that I'm not alone in this. There are a rare few of us with college degrees that are actually practicing and enjoying what we studied to do and become. Hats off to all you overachievers out there.
My complaint is not that I'm just stuck in this sort of life limbo and want someone to help me and the rest of us poor saps in the same boat get out. I'm complaining, and a bit concerned, that I've lost the ability to dream and feel like it's worth dreaming about. I want to have that part of myself back that used to think I could do or be anything. I want to be able to have that inner fire back, that drive to really make things happen. I recognize that when I had that in life I did more of what I knew would be best for me. The last thing I want to have happen is find myself in my late 40s and praying for death or early retirement because I'm so sick of my career.
If any of you have any advice or know of any REAL way to get that fire back, I'd be more than willing to compensate you with a delicious, home cooked meal of your choice. Just ask my wife; I happen to be a food fanatic and a pretty darn good cook. And by advice I mean GOOD advice. No freebies for just trying to get a quick meal. :-)
7 comments:
Great post JR. I can't tell you how much of what you wrote echoed with me. I'm not sure I have an answer to this one, but I do have some idea's as I have struggled with limbo many times in my life as well.
As paltry as this advice may seem... journal writing and daily goals help me to feel the fire I need in my life. When I have a goal and a purpose I am working toward... even on a small scale, I am much more motivated and I can see the progress I am making.
As for the dinner... I have only eaten your food once, but I still remember that awesome meal... shoot... it must have been 5 or 6 years ago by now. I hope to get to enjoy another someday! :)
Jeff my friend, it's great to see you still care after all these years... :)
Your advice is exactly what I wish I wanted to do. I've struggled with goal setting ever since I can remember. I don't get a lot of satisfaction out of setting or achieving goals that I put on myself. I think my problem stems from wanting to impress others. Fulfilling and exceeding outward expectations tends to excite and motivate me more than self-imposed goals or expectations.
So I guess I'm saying that I do better when someone steps up and challenges me to do something, makes it a bit competitive and presents an attractive compensation for "winning." Maybe I'm just more competitive than I thought. I wasn't ever allowed to compete in school sports, nor was I ever coordinated enough or timely in my physical development to be able to make anything of such activities.
This blog has actually taken the place of my journal writing, which I shamefully admit was much less frequent than my weekly posting. It's actually great for me because I type so much faster than I write. Plus, I work for a web design company and basically live inside of email and document creation programs, giving me all the more reason to go digital.
As far as the meal goes, we'll just have to see about getting in touch with you guys if you're ever out our way visiting. I can guarantee that we won't have the resources to head out your way for quite a few years, so you'll just have to come to us... Or, could we convince you of moving back? :)
BTW - I sincerely appreciate your link to the site that provided you with a great template design for your site. As you can see, I have since adopted one of their designs to my own. Many thanks. Hopefully I won't throw anyone off with the new look.
I wish I had some good advice because I sure would like a JR meal. hehe :D You know I'm worse than you about setting goals and being self motivated. Maybe if we challenge eachother that will help get us going. We just have to get started :). Just know we're in this together. I still think you can do anything :). Love you!
This is something that I have been thinking a lot about lately myself in a slightly different way. I agree with Jeff on starting simple ... a small scale is sometimes the best way to move forward and CONTINUE moving forward. Decide something you want to do with your life ... or a way you want to improve and then think of something you can do daily to work toward that.
For example I have been appauled lately at how much I have allowed myself to get out of shape. So I have set weekly goals and then daily goals to help me achieve those daily goals. Last week I went walking three nights ... tonight I went again but increased a portion of my walk to a run. I am aching all over right now, but I feel good about the small progress I have made.
I also agree with Kristen on your capability. I know it has been awhile since I have spent time with you but you have so many abilities and are extremely smart. I know that if you decide to do something you can do it! Good luck!
P.S. Love the new look!
JR I just read your post and I completely understand. Being 29 and wondering what my goals should be I too can find myself feeling like I am “Leading a life of quiet desperation” as Thoreau would put it.
In college I was determined to be a film director. Then I graduated, worked in the industry and discovered that most people in it are abusive jerks. Not being an abusive jerk and desperately needing to pay the bills I fell into practical work outside my passion.
I then met a wonderful man married, became pregnant and had to make a sacrifice – leaving my career for my family. I found myself at 29 wondering how the little femi-nazi that was going to set the world on fire turned into a housewife living in Idaho? But as I pondered this I realized some important things. Satan likes to give us four lies to stop us from reaching our full potential.
1. It’s too late. We are too old and the opportunity has passed for us to change course. This is a lie, a trick that a culture obsessed with youth has played on us. We are in fact, never too old to change (especially at a very young 29!).
2. Family will hold you back – only single people are interesting or capable of achieving big things. Being a good parent and a loving spouse will take up all your time and prevent you from reaching any personal goals. This is a lie. The truth is they set you free. For by having AJ she helps me manage my time better. Aaron takes her and lets me write everyday or exercise. I discuss my book with him and bounce ideas off of him. He’ll even offer suggestions of creative projects to do.
3. If it can’t come easy then it’s not worth the effort. You would think that this would be a no-brainer but it’s often a lie that we tell ourselves. The truth is nothing in this world worth having comes easy (Children are proof of this). No one is going to magically wave a wand making me a size six or a New York Times bestselling author. I have to work on it day by day, sit up by sit up, line upon line to get these things.
4. You can only be one thing. Meaning you can only be a parent and your job and nothing else. This is a lie. The truth is I can be many things. I can be a wife, mother, friend, writer, photographer, blogger, graphic artist, actress, teacher and whatever else I choose. You can be anything you want – you just have to pursue it!
These are the lies we let ourselves believe and they suck the passion from our live and keep us from reaching our potential. You’ve already taken a step by creating this blog – to express your feelings.
Finally, while setting goals is good they need to lead to something. For example I try to write a page a day to my book. While the goal is small the end result – a complete novel is big. You can have anything you want, as long as you are will to work hard and keep an eye single to the glory of god.
PS – sorry for the novel of a response. You caught me while I was writing my book. =)
Did someone say food? *drooling* Where do I sign up?!?!
First let me say that I really enjoyed your post. You are very eloquent and a fluid writer.
I have thought a lot about some of the same issues you have discussed in my own life as well. I remember in college (and younger) I was always so motivated, ambitious, and involved. I was always outgoing and fairly care-free.
I feel that through the aging process, I have lost a lot of my "spark" or "fire". Certain trials I've had to bare feel as if they've taken part of who I was away. I am no longer that care-free spirit who is outgoing and confident. Don't get me wrong, I still crack a few jokes here and there (did someone say crack?), but I am definitely not who I once was.
Most of this I credit to the aging process, but a lot of it is a result of the same things you are mentioning. I so badly want that person back, too!
So here's where the FREE FOOD comes into play (you found my weak spot): From reading your response to Jeff, it sounds like you need someone to make a goal for you and then subsequently offer you a reward (you always were a sucker for competition - you must take after me). You don't really need advice per se, you just need someone to say "DO THIS". And I'm always a fan of being the one to boss people around. ;0)
So although you've heard this thousands of times before, and you've probably slightly pondered it, My goal to you is ...
.
.
.
(drum roll please)
.
.
.
I CHALLENGE YOU TO WRITE A BOOK!
I know, I know, you are thinking "What would I write about!?" It doesn't matter! It doesn't even matter how long it is!
I met an author in the bookstore yesterday and he said, "Everyone has at least one good book in them."
We all know that you are a fountain of knowledge. And you really are great with words. You've also got some great resources if you come to a spot when you need help or advice. I know the challenge seems overwhelming, but it is not impossible. It's a good, aggressive challenge. I mean, look at your blog! You've already got a few chapters and you've got some great ideas to pull from.
I really think you could do it. And you know me, I'm not one to blow sunshine out people's rear-ends (sorry if that offended anyone, I'm just making a point). I enjoy reading your writing. I read TONS of books (I'm reading 5 or 6 different ones right now alone). I can honestly tell you that your writing compares to or exceeds that of most authors I've read.
So stop whining and JUST DO IT!!!
The reward? Well, besides the money you'll make from your book, and the tribute you'll offer me in the front of the book . . . I will talk to Kristen about the reward and then we will get back to you. It's gotta be perfect.
So why are you still reading this? Start brainstorming!!!
Best wishes!
P.S. I could even offer help on how to submit your manuscript. Read this: http://deseretbook.com/store/help/pubguide
So, sorry to disappoint y'all, but my old friend Levy Minharo from the good-ol' Orem days just sent me a reply to this post over Facebook, and it's a winner. Seriously thought provoking. And though Jenny still is in line for the meal deal, this one takes the cake. It's a bit long in the tooth, so prepare yourselves for quite the read. I'm pasting the quote in below. Thanks Levy.
"Yes, J.R. You can be my friend. I think 10 years has been long enough for me to forget about you shattering my arm in 15 different places (and ruining my life time goal of becoming a pianist).
"Just Kidding! I'm actually glad you emailed me. Recently I've been thinking about you and Aaron a lot. It's funny how these little 'coincidences' happen in life; I think of you, and you email me! Paola said that she met up with you and Aaron when she was going to school at BYU and she said that Aaron was still good ol' Aaron (at that time he still loved girls, but was having a hard time having one love him back. Though from the looks of it (his blog) he finally got one fooled long enough to marry her!!) And that you were doing great, served your mission in Brazil and having an all around great time. (Just Because I know this question will come up later from you, Paola is doing great, and married. Her husband and new son (Jason is her Husband, Mattais is her son) are living in DC now and externing for Exxon Mobile. Jason is finishing up International Business school at Thunderbird in AZ)
"I'm actually going to Law School right now. I got accepted into BYU but decided Utah didn't need me, so my wife and kids decided to go to an equally great school out here in the East Coast (Pennsylvania). I got another 2 years before I'm done, and actually get to start my career.
"Now, I was looking at your blog (really nice by the way, though the title of you're blog… one great whole . . . is a very powerful reference to, in my opinion, one of the most powerful scriptures in the entire book of Mormon, with serious Temple implications) and I ran across the Stuck in Limbo post, and I just wanted to say a couple of things on that. So JR, get your wife and Kids ready for a trip out here to the east coast, because I will follow up on promise for exchange of a meal for good advice. In law we call that an 'exchange of consideration', which by accepting will become a binding contract, to which you will be held accountable for.
A little more on me before I give you my advice… I'm married, have 2 and 1/2 kids. Served my mission in Hong Kong and would like to practice International Litigation and Business Transactional Law, while doing Pro bono work in the area of Child abduction, prostitution, and Adoption.
Now back to my advice… assuming of course that you still feel somewhat in Limbo… Just a side not first. I'm a Brazilian who served in Hong Kong. Which translates into meaning that as a Brazilian, I'm always very passionate about everything that I do. Having served in Hong Kong, I've lost tact in a lot of the ways I interact with people. So… please take my advice at face value, and remember, 'No offense should be taken when no offense was intended.' No offense is Intended. I haven't talked to you in a long time, but just felt that I should throw out some of the stuff out there for you.
In my opinion, too many members of the church are feeling like they are in Limbo. A kind of Mid Adulthood (vs. a Mid-Life) Crisis; and there is no reason, as a member of the church to EVER feel like that.
Who are we? Were do we come from? and Where are we going? Are questions that only the Gospel in my opinion adequately answers. As such, if there are any people here in earth who should NEVER struggle with those questions, it’s us. We are all on earth for one purpose, we were all created for one purpose, and are all engaged now in one purpose. We are engaged in the work of saving people. That didn't end with the completion of the Mission. Having served most of my mission in areas that I could look across a river and see people walking and going about there lives in Mainland China, I was acutely aware that our actions in the church today are directly affecting the progress of others (in china for example). Elder Oaks came to our mission, and of course we asked him, 'When will China open for missionary work?' His response, as Wells as Elder Pakers and Perry's was (each at separate times) we are not in China because as members are not ready for us to be in China. More work needs to be done at home in order to open doors elsewhere. However, The more and more I look around, the more I see members who are scared to sacrifice one's self for what they proclaim to believe in.
For example: there are two sets of social statistics within the church. Members and Endowed Members. The overall Divorce rate in the church is 40-45%. That means for all the people who claim to be members of the church 40-45% have or are going though divorce. However, Among Endowed Members that number is much lower, around 16-20%. Almost half as much. Though that Number seems much better, it is almost a full 10% higher than it was almost 6 years ago. That's almost a 100% increase in just 6 years!!!! Another example is the marriage rate among college LDS Singles is steadily declining, while the aver. Age of marriage is increasing… As members we are become complacent. We are asked to sacrifice less and less, and as a result we wait to be 'commanded in all things.' When the Bishop asks us to pay our tithing, we do, when we are asked to serve in a calling we do. However how many of us have taken upon ourselves to do 'a good work' without being 'told' or asked to do so? My guess, very few.
The Scriptures are NOT yet fulfilled, yet as members of the church, we expect somebody else to actually fulfill them. We don't realize that WE are the ones who are asked to fulfill them!!
Back to China. In order for the church to be ready to go to China, Elder Ballard said we would need a missionary force of about 50-60K in China alone when it opens. (Obviously, the missionary force would need to almost double to continue work in the world, while having enough to actually fill the needs of China. So where is that new infusion of missionary force going to come from? Well not from China! But from right here at home, and abroad.
Now I'm not saying that China should be the focus of the church, but merely using it as an example of a prophesy that must be fulfilled, and that the fulfilling must come from us. There are plenty of other prophesies that fall into the same category (The est. of Zion being another good example…)
Now, with that said, I come to my advice for you and your family J.R. This is where I expect you and your family to come visit us here in Pittsburgh and cook my meal (and we have a guest room with a queen size bed, and a separate room for your kids, whenever you would like to get out of the West coast and have a change of scenery)
O.K. here is the advice. Leave Utah. Now. Start fresh someplace else.
The people in Utah either are great and don't need you're help, or feel like they are perfect and don't need you're help. Either way, you're help is very limited. The reason I didn't go to BYU is for the very same reason. I'm not needed in Utah. With who I am, and what my gifts and Talents are, I could be put to better use someplace else. You JR, I feel are the same way. You still remember you're Portuguese for Heaven Sakes!!! Not many people were loved the culture enough to retain the language. You are good with people, and people seem to be taken in by you (and you know what I mean… you're a leader) the best way to get out of Limbo is to pick a side and Jump, and see where you landed. Playing it cautious gets you nowhere. It keeps you literally between Heaven and Hell. Actually the root of the word 'Limbo' comes from Roman Catholic Theology meaning 'between Heaven and Hell.' So the question is J.R. how do you get off of the fence? Jump. Jump now. Decide to jump, pray, then when you feel confirmation, Jump. Just don't be fooled into thinking that the confirmation to jump is enough to actually get you out of Limbo. You will actually have to jump.
My suggestion… take either the GMAT or GRE, and apply at any east coast school to do masters in International Public Policy and Management. Work in the government setting policy around the world, which would ensure that your decisions will positively affect millions. That might seem outrageous, but believe me… it's not. If you want any suggestions, let me know, I'll get you in contact with people.
Anyway, that's my 2 cents. Do what you will with it. Though despite what you do with it, keep in touch!
My phone # is 412-728-5439.
Now it's you're turn! What are you up to in life?
You're 'Brasiliero'
Levy
P.S. I'm not saying that Pubilc Policy is the only way to get out of Limbo. What I'm saying is that with the right perspective, even an artist could accomplish the same goals."
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