Man, am I thankful that Heavenly Father knew what he was doing when he got this whole 'plan' thing rolling! Without it, I know that I would be making a complete mess of things, as this week has so graciously shown me. But, I need to give a little background before diving into the specifics.
I would hope that everyone has at least one passion in life, if for nothing more than to help you know what it feels like to want something really bad. Me, well, I think I have more than my fair share of passions. Mostly I think that I could do with a few less, or just be a little more balanced in how I approached them.
One of my passions is my family, particularly my parent's family, and doing what I can to help bring about their happiness. Everyone who knows me or my family well enough will concede that we aren't your typical family. Our family dynamic is such that, on the surface, we may appear to be almost too perfect. The perfect kids that never disrupt or fight during sacrament meeting. The perfect mother who is as close to superwoman as any woman ever has been. Or the master teacher of a father that works for the Church and blesses the lives of hundreds every day. Sounds all a little too good to be true.
And it is.
We definitely aren't perfect, and we've come a long way in being able to not only admit that, but allow people to actually see our faults. Hopefully this all doesn't come as a shock to some of you. Most of you who know me and my family will probably smile and think, "I knew it!" You get a gold star for the day. :)
My father is now the one to openly admit his failings as a parent to us kids, and, to his credit, is doing a lot to move things in a positive direction. It is his happiness that I have desperately struggled to help come to greater fruition, but often to little avail—at least on the surface. At least this passion of mine is better than my previous high school passion of trying to tick him off.
Getting to the point now (I know, FINALLY). My father's passion in life is the gospel and the teaching of it. For better or worse, it is both what he does and who he is. As you can imagine, this passion has shaped every last thing that I learned to think, see, hear and do as a child. This would have been fantastic if it weren't for his lack of patience and continual frustration with life. Like I said earlier, he admits to all this in full just as I admit to being a royal pain in the rear as a teen, and we have grown in our relationship and understanding from talking about these things. The hard part of all this has been learning how to re-learn and re-apply gospel truths and principles through a clearer, more loving and kind lens (thanks Kristen!) and becoming who I always wanted to be without going off in a semi-skewed perspective.
If this is your first time reading my blog, then you haven't been introduced to some of the re-learned concepts I'm referring to. If you're a more frequent visitor, then this should shed a little light onto my reasons and perspectives in my writing.
Anyway, having been blessed with a second chance at the gospel over the past few years, I have since become acutely aware of just how much more joy and happiness are possible, and just how far from that my dad seems most of the time. So, my passion for my family's happiness tends to do some hostile takeovers at times, usually pushing me to do or say things that are intended to help but end up just missing the mark. Such is the case of the past 2 weeks.
Without going into too many details, for some of them are both sacred to me as well as personal between me and my dad, I'll explain what has gone on and why I am so thankful that Heavenly Father knows what he's doing with the mess our lives so often make.
For years now I've been praying and pondering about why my dad seems to be so unhappy living the gospel he so vehemently preaches. Then, on Tuesday morning of last week I awoke to some very special and sacred thoughts and feelings. This doesn't happen very often, so I took it very seriously… probably a little too seriously. In my passion and concern for my dad, combined with some of the buried hurts that I have harbored against him, I came to the conclusion that I was supposed to rebuke my father for doing certain things and to call him to repentance. I was both scared to death and yet somewhat encouraged by this.
After some other great impressions, amazing insights and other spiritual lessons, I determined to act on my feelings to talk to my dad. I told my mom about what I had felt, and though she was unsure and a little scared of the outcome, she knew that I would do what I had to do.
This past Tuesday I finally made it over to the institute where I battled against my worries and fears about what to say and how. I even typed out what I thought I was supposed to say. Looking back now I realize that part of my nerves had to do with the fact that I was barking up the wrong tree—spiritually speaking.
Anyway, I knocked on my dad's office door, he let me in, and I proceeded to tell him what I was prepared to say. I got emotional in trying to talk to him, something I didn't really want but could feel coming on anyway. As I read through my rebuke, and did so claiming spiritual promptings to do so, my dad stopped me and in a very worried tone started telling me that I was going about this all wrong. I had figured before hand that he would say something like this, so I tried to push back and asked him just to listen, but he became even more emphatic. I began thinking it was hopeless and that he just wasn't going to listen to me, when he finally got through my defenses and I let him teach me what it was he was really trying to say.
The Lord's pattern for receiving revelation is something that I have been familiar with for some time. Even still, in my passion to "do the right thing," I forgot to study things out, listen more carefully to the Spirit and follow the Lord's pattern. My dad told me that, though he was very thankful for my concern, he was concerned that how I was going about sharing this was indeed against the way that has been decreed by the Lord's servants. His words began to sink into my heart, and the peace that I had been searching for, but never actually found in my zeal to talk to him, started to fill my soul, and I knew that he was speaking truth.
I was a little embarrassed, and even somewhat concerned with myself when I realized that I had taken my impressions down a road that was not ordained of the Lord. My dad and the Spirit taught me a great lesson that day. I learned that, though we may be right about someone or something and be impressed to know those things, if we do not follow the pattern of revelation and stewardship that the Lord has shown, then we are not in fact following His will.
Those of you like me who, though familiar with this pattern, need a reminder as to what it is, let me explain. Each of us has different roles and stewardships which we hold and maintain. Roles of father, mother, bishop, teacher, prophet and many others are some that we may hold one of, or several of simultaneously. The point is that, though we may feel impressed to say something to someone else, unless they are under our stewardship we cannot receive revelation for them. A son cannot rebuke his father in his role as the father, for that is not how the Lord does things. A son CAN and should share his feelings with his dad about something that causes him concern, but never rebuke him. That is just as wrong as me going to Pres. Monson and saying that I have had a vision for the Church. It just doesn't work that way. Obviously, you can tell that this hit home to me.
So, to wrap this up I want to close by thanking Heavenly Father again for being patient with me and cleaning up the mess that I made of his generosity. And second, I want to refer to two scriptures in the Doctrine and Covenants that speak directly to this issue of revelation. Thankfully, I get the chance to teach them to my dad's students this coming week while he's on vacation. I know that I'm the one that needs them more than they do. See D&C 9:7-9; and D&C 11:6-22 (every verse in those sections is fantastic, but I wanted to focus in on those that talk about the ways by which the Spirit is felt and what qualifies our impressions and acting upon them).
